How yoga supported me during cancer

How yoga supported me during my recovery from cancer

I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at the age of 27 following a routine smear. Having had no previous symptoms and a history of ‘normal’ smears I was in no way prepared for the result.

However, my initial reaction in those first seconds of diagnosis, was calmness, as though I was somehow insulated from the event. I remember reaching over to comfort my mum who had started to cry, while still feeling (strangely given the circumstances) an inner sense of peace myself.

Inner source of comfort and strength

Looking back at those first few moments, my reaction could be attributed to a sense of shock. However, it was not simply numbness which I felt, but a mixture of compassion and conviction too.  Compassion in the moment for my mum, and an inner conviction that I was, in some way, still ‘ok’.

I need to add here that this feeling was very fleeting, and as the days and weeks progressed anxiety would alternate with anger as my dominant feeling towards my illness, but that initial sense of peace left a vivid impression.

Considering the moment of diagnosis from the perspective of my subsequent yoga training and experience, I recognize that initial sense of comfort as my ‘inner voice’; that loving voice of inner strength which is often only heard in moments of crisis when the thinking mind is ‘stunned’ into silence. Although I did not conceptualize it in this way at the time, this protective feeling returned periodically during the early days of my diagnosis and treatment, and I drew much support from it.

Calming the thinking mind

I had been practicing yoga for several years prior to my illness, and in the weeks following surgery, I continued my practice of meditative breath awareness while in savasana. I also explored a ‘body scanning’ practice (drawn from the mindfulness program designed by John Kabat Zinn) in which I methodically moved my awareness around my body sensing how it was feeling in that moment and then consciously breathing into that area.  This created pockets of time during which my thinking mind (usually so overwhelmed with the circumstances I found myself in) briefly retreated and I experienced precious feelings of calm.

Within the yoga tradition we believe that if we can progressively still our thinking minds, even for brief durations, the wisdom of our heart, or intuitive inner support, can begin to emerge. This inner ‘wellspring’ of support may emerge during our practice but may also ‘bubble up’ or ‘enfold’ us at any moment during our daily lives, including those harrowing moments when waiting for test results or procedures.

Endorphins

While at times it felt frightening to immerse my awareness within my body (the natural instinct when ill is often to pull our awareness from the source of anxiety or pain) I would also often begin to sense the flow of endorphins. Endorphins, naturally produced by our own bodies, are biochemicals which create feelings of pleasure in the body (and the mind and emotions too).

Being able to cultivate moments of physical ‘feel good’ as William Bloom in this book ‘The Endorphin Effect’ terms it, through simple body and breath awareness was deeply comforting in times of mental and physical pain. I believe that it also supported my post- operative recovery as evidence suggests that endorphins strengthen the immune system and may assist in the healing of damaged tissue.

How the breath helps affects our physiology

In addition to watching the passage of my breath as a gateway into relaxation, I also practised gentle abdominal breath. Simple abdominal breath, particularly when combined with a gently lengthened exhalation, creates a physiological relaxation response capable of switching off the cascading release of damaging stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. Given that chronic exposure to stress hormones can dampen our immune response I believe my practice of abdominal breath and lengthened exhalations were also physically protective during my recovery.

Compassion through awareness; being present in our body

During the weeks and months following my diagnosis and treatment, waves of anger or fear towards my body would still frequently course through me. These feelings were entirely natural and needed to be experienced. However, during my conscious practice of body and breath awareness I was able to shift my orientation from ‘body-blame’ (how could it betray me like this?) to one of compassion for my body. Allowing my awareness to move through and rest in my body, or, as I would say now, ‘being present’ to my body became a process of self-care or compassion towards my body.

For me, abdominal breath was in particular an act of self-care and protection. I practised being ‘present’ in my pelvis, through my breath, in moments of heightened anxiety, and, at times was able to maintain this practice during the frequent pelvic investigations I underwent. Re-connecting with my body in this way meant, to me, that I was part of my healing rather than simply being a patient in the hands of others.

Mindfulness, accepting the moment as it is

I also sensed the different quality to the comfort I felt when practising body and breath awareness than when I was ‘escaping’ through reading or watching TV (except certain comedy series!). In the latter case I found it harder to find an equal sense of ease, I think because there was still a nagging sense that I was ‘blocking’ something out which creates its own sense of stress.

Since learning more about mindfulness I understand why this may have been the case. Often, when we routinely attempt to escape from pain, be it physical or mental, we create an inner resistance to our present reality, which in turn causes underlying layers of distress and tension. Yoga taught me how to breathe into moments of fear and physical pain, so that I could move through them rather than chronically repress them.

Introducing movement

As I entered my recovery period I was able to gradually re-introduce movement into my practice. I started with the practice of ‘pavanmuktasana’ (or ‘energy freeing’ series) in which gentle, fluid and precise movement is sequentially introduced to the joints. Crucially for those who are physically weakened by illness, injury or surgery, the series can be practiced lying or sitting down.

Pawanmuktasana promotes the flow of prana, or vital energy, and creates a feeling of physical lightness and emotional uplift similar to that experienced after a sequence of asana. In my case, it also supported the lymph flow in my lower body which may have been affected by the removal of the lymph nodes in my groin. In the years which followed I was able also to re build my core strength, compromised by my abdominal surgery, through targeted asana practice.

Coming home to my body

Most importantly for me though, was the way in which my practice of yoga kept me present in my body. Often, when we have experienced series illness or injury there is a tendency to ‘shut out’ the body and pull our awareness more into our minds.

This tendency was certainly present within me and I believe led to periods of increased anxiety. I was fortunate to receive ‘talking’ therapy but I found that this served me best when combined with gentle asana which also brought me home to my body.

Ongoing awareness

I am now over ten years from my original diagnosis and my practice of yoga has helped me to feel more grounded and ‘at home’ in body than I ever did, even before developing cancer.

As my practice has developed my focus has turned more to ‘svadisthaya’ or the yogic principle of self-study. I ask myself what do I need to strengthen and what do I need to let go to maintain my optimum emotional and physical health both in my body and my mind. It is a continuous, and very joyful, experience.

Resources:

William Bloom ‘The Endorphin Effect’

John Kabat-Zinn ‘Full Catastrophe Living’

Mukunda Stiles ‘Pavanmuktasana’